just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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