She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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