I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
