I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
