my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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