Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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