in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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