I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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