R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
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