I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
