Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You are a genius and a whore.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
