Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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