I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
