You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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