Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
home. puking in laundry basket.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
