it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
