Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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