If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
