Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
