So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
