a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
