my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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