It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize