If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
