there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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