I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
