if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
