after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
