i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
