I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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