and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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