Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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