If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
