She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
