i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
