my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize