This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
