Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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