Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
