i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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