We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
