highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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