I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
