There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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