Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
