everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
