i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
