well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize