got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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