um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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