her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
