He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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