i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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