This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
