I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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