pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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