A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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