When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
