The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
