i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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