Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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