The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
